word barf

My daughter Emily did a word barf on her blog and basically said what was on her mind. I decided this was a good day to do it! A fifteen year old boy was killed at Lake Powell just a couple of days ago and it has brought back such heartbreaking feelings and flashbacks. I am so sorry for his parents who are feeling the feelings that I felt just 8 short years ago...shock, denial, incredible pain, loneliness...and yet great support. Until about 2 weeks later when it all felt like the sky just dropped in my lap and reality set in. I miss Zach. I miss him so much. I miss the young man that he would be now, his humor, his dirty socks all over, his sarcasm, his naughtiness, his great love for people. Losing a child just sucks! Parents should NOT outlive their children! It's just not fair! I'm tired of hearing that life isn't fair! I KNOW that! But that doesn't make it right! So much has changed because of losing him. I have to say that their have been many blessings....but the missing him still goes on and on. My heart still breaks and I still cry! I feel hopeless to help the poor parents of this boy. I wish I could tell them how much I understand what they are feeling and that it doesn't get better....it just changes! I don't like how it has changed our family dynamics and I don't like most of the ways it has changed me! I have to say that there are some things that it has changed me for the better and I definitely have more perspective and compassion. But what a cost! I am grateful for Chloe. What would I do if Chloe had not come into my life after Zach left. I am also grateful for many wonderful, true friends that have rallied around me. Most of my friends are not the same. It's funny, I have changed and my friends have changed. A lot of people expect me to be the same me before Zach passed. IT ISN'T POSSIBLE PEOPLE! Once part of your heart is gone, the rest of you changes! That is just reality! I want to be the wonderful mother my remaining children deserve but some days I just can't do it! Those are the facts! It doesn't mean I don't love them any less...it just means I am learning to deal and it has taken longer than I thought! I think it might take forever! Men and women do not grieve the same. That makes things hard. I wish I could figure out how to make my husband understand but I know he does the best he can and I love him for it! No, I wouldn't wish Zach back. I just MISS HIM! It has to be o.k because that is just the way it is! I wish I could prevent every mom from feeling this way or losing their children but I know that it is not under my control. But I do so empathize with them! I am grateful for Mothers of Angels and the little help that I can give. I wish it was more. I'm just not sure what I want anymore. Today, I just want to cry. That has to be o.k because that is the way I feel. I wish it didn't scare my children to see me like this...but there is no way to hide it and nowhere to turn. Sleep sometimes takes me away unless dreams of that dreadful day set in. I pray every night that they don't invade my sleep. I wish I could just hold every mom that feels the great pain and deep loss that I feel. But for now, I just keep taking it one day at a time. Please do not judge me for this word barf...I AM grateful for what I have and the children that I have still on this earth. But having one missing is like missing a limb! Life just isn't the same! Good things still happen and I appreciate them and love them. But today I just want to wish it all away. I will deal with it tomorrow.

Mothers Day

Today was a day that is especially hard for those of us that have lost our dear children for the time being. Even though we may have other children, no matter what, you cannot replace a child. Each of our children hold a special place in our hearts. Compassionate friends got together on Friday night and had a dinner and made candles to light for their children that have departed. The secret of getting through this cloud of darkness is to stick together! That is what Mothers of Angels and Compassionate friends is all about! Sticking together! It is so much easier than trying to go it alone! I am so grateful that scrapbooking is such a great way to keep and treasure our sweet memories forever! No matter who you are or where you are, remember, you are not alone! I truly believe our children are watching out for us and would wrap their arms around us if they could! How I miss those big bear hugs from my Zachary and his squishy kisses! Even though he was 15 when he left me, he always hugged and kissed me goodbye. Those memories are priceless and I have taken a picture in my mind of them. I am positive that all of you have had the same experiences. Today I am especially grateful for everyone that has donated or continues to donate to our cause. If only I could find the words to express my appreciation to all of you! I found this quote that I absolutely love and I feel like it very much applies to our individual situations.

If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together...there is something you must always remember! You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think! But the MOST important thing is, even is we're apart, I'll ALWAYS be with you! ........Christoper Robin

I hope that we can always remember that our priceless children are only a breath away and love us dearly. I believe they watch over us much more than we know. Another day has passed and we all made it through it. I hope you have all taken pictures to scrapbook so you can look back at previous Mothers Days and know that "Because we have someone in Heaven, there is a little bit of Heaven in our home!

Love to all of you!
Marcie-founder of Mothers of Angels

Thank you IMAGINISCE!!!!

The Fed Ex man just delivered 4 BOXES of paper from Imaginisce! When he drove up to my house and started unloading all of these boxes, I couldn't imagine what I had ordered! When he brought them in and I opened one my jaw just dropped!!!! It was completely FULL of beautiful Imaginisce paper!!!! The other boxes contained more paper and embellishments!!!! I seriously started to cry! So many women will benefit from this donation! This is what Mothers of Angels is all about....saving our precious memories! Some of us were allowed more time with our children than others, but ALL of our memories are so very precious as this is all we get for now. Our memories are "Our Roses in December!" Being able to put our cherished pictures and journaling our memories on such beautiful paper makes them even more meaningful! There just are not enough words to express how grateful I am feeling right now for Imaginisce. They ALWAYS come through when we need them! When the ladies get their hands on all of this, I can promise you, there will not be a dry eye! Losing a child or children is so extremely difficult...no one could understand unless they have been through it. But having such an amazing company behind us that empathizes with our pain and grief and wants to help us preserve our treasures makes such a difference to all of us that are dealing with this immense pain that we constantly carry in our hearts as we go on with our lives. As founder of Mothers of Angels, I can only represent all of us and say THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts! We LOVE you! If there is anyone out there that is not local but has lost a child, I would be more than happy to send you a package of scrapbook supplies so you are able to scrapbook your treasured pictures as well! XOXOXOXO IMAGINISCE!!!

Thank you Echo Park!

I hope everyone has discovered the awesomeness of Echo Park! They generously sent some kits to our group which are are very much appreciated! Truly, they are some of the cutest papers I have ever seen and very easy to work with! Thank you so much Madison for your generosity!!! And anyone who hasn't checked out their paper, click on the icon on our page and it will take you to their page. You will see what I mean when I say "Fabulous!" Warning....potential to become addicted!!!

It was like Christmas....

Sorting through all those boxes seemed like Christmas to all of us! Everyone was thrilled with the contents! These companies had been very generous to us and with the amount of product donated, we will be able to perserve so many memories! Every time somebody opened a new box there were squeals of delight! We are very grateful as we have added some new members in the last few months and our donation tubs were empty! It took 3 of us over 4 hours to go through all the boxes and organize them. We put everything into groups so it will be easier to go through. I keep thinking that there has got to be more moms out there that we can help. If anyone knows of someone that might benefit from our group, please e-mail me so I can help them! If they live far away, I can send them a box of prouduct. Merging with Compassionate Friends has been a very good move as it keeps us meeting once a month. I can't even begin to tell you how therapeutic scrapbooking my memories of Zach is and I hear the same comment from all of the women in our group. I would love to hear any stories of your experiences and I would love to know if scrapbooking your memories is something you would like to do! Mothers of Angels is slowly reaching one grieving mom at a time. My son had written a mission statement of his before his passing...I know, weird huh! He was only 15! I have taken it on as our mission statement for our group. Caring, Compassionate, Contributing. I don't think there are more fitting words than those! Hugs to all of you and please don't be afraid to comment and let me know how our group can help you!

Huge Donation!

For this donation I had to go to Salt Lake....and when you see the pictures of my car you will know why! Lori Allred from Imagininsce organized it all! There were donations from Fancy Pants, My Minds Eye, Teresa Collins (love her!), a BUNCH from Creating Keepsakes, and even more from IMAGINISCE of course!

Can you believe how much stuff this is? My car was completely weighed down!

Of course we HAD to go to lunch at Cafe Rio! Bridget Bradley (sales manager) and Jen Meyer (marketing assistant) for Imaginisce joined Lori Allred and I. We had a blast!

Here I am with Lori Allred (Marketing Coordinator for Imaginisce) who made all of this possible! She has been a wonderful friend of mine for years and I just love her! All of us at Mothers of Angels are so grateful to her for starting this blog and getting all the donations together!

There were donations from Imaginisce (of course!) http://www.imaginisce.com/

Creating Keepsakes http:/www.creatingkeepsakes.com/index.html/

My Minds Eye http://www.mymindseye.com/

Fancy Pants http://www.fancypantsdesigns.com/

and I could never forget Teresa Collins! http://www.teresacollinsdesigns.com/

Thank you all so much! Your donations have helped us keep a great deal of the cherished memories of our children preserved forever!

stories

Hi everyone,
Anyone that has a story and would like to post it on this blog, just email it to me and I promise I will get it on here word for word! I would love to here your stories and please know that by sharing your pain it somehow divides it and makes it a little bit easier to carry. You are NOT alone!!!
Love to all,
Marcie