Monday, August 1, 2011

word barf

My daughter Emily did a word barf on her blog and basically said what was on her mind. I decided this was a good day to do it! A fifteen year old boy was killed at Lake Powell just a couple of days ago and it has brought back such heartbreaking feelings and flashbacks. I am so sorry for his parents who are feeling the feelings that I felt just 8 short years ago...shock, denial, incredible pain, loneliness...and yet great support. Until about 2 weeks later when it all felt like the sky just dropped in my lap and reality set in. I miss Zach. I miss him so much. I miss the young man that he would be now, his humor, his dirty socks all over, his sarcasm, his naughtiness, his great love for people. Losing a child just sucks! Parents should NOT outlive their children! It's just not fair! I'm tired of hearing that life isn't fair! I KNOW that! But that doesn't make it right! So much has changed because of losing him. I have to say that their have been many blessings....but the missing him still goes on and on. My heart still breaks and I still cry! I feel hopeless to help the poor parents of this boy. I wish I could tell them how much I understand what they are feeling and that it doesn't get just changes! I don't like how it has changed our family dynamics and I don't like most of the ways it has changed me! I have to say that there are some things that it has changed me for the better and I definitely have more perspective and compassion. But what a cost! I am grateful for Chloe. What would I do if Chloe had not come into my life after Zach left. I am also grateful for many wonderful, true friends that have rallied around me. Most of my friends are not the same. It's funny, I have changed and my friends have changed. A lot of people expect me to be the same me before Zach passed. IT ISN'T POSSIBLE PEOPLE! Once part of your heart is gone, the rest of you changes! That is just reality! I want to be the wonderful mother my remaining children deserve but some days I just can't do it! Those are the facts! It doesn't mean I don't love them any just means I am learning to deal and it has taken longer than I thought! I think it might take forever! Men and women do not grieve the same. That makes things hard. I wish I could figure out how to make my husband understand but I know he does the best he can and I love him for it! No, I wouldn't wish Zach back. I just MISS HIM! It has to be o.k because that is just the way it is! I wish I could prevent every mom from feeling this way or losing their children but I know that it is not under my control. But I do so empathize with them! I am grateful for Mothers of Angels and the little help that I can give. I wish it was more. I'm just not sure what I want anymore. Today, I just want to cry. That has to be o.k because that is the way I feel. I wish it didn't scare my children to see me like this...but there is no way to hide it and nowhere to turn. Sleep sometimes takes me away unless dreams of that dreadful day set in. I pray every night that they don't invade my sleep. I wish I could just hold every mom that feels the great pain and deep loss that I feel. But for now, I just keep taking it one day at a time. Please do not judge me for this word barf...I AM grateful for what I have and the children that I have still on this earth. But having one missing is like missing a limb! Life just isn't the same! Good things still happen and I appreciate them and love them. But today I just want to wish it all away. I will deal with it tomorrow.

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